I am a woman and I had severe TBI which caused me gender confusion. That can happen. I am leaving this up as part of my testimony about God’s amazing healing of my brain so that I finally feel right in my own skin. Thank you everyone for your support and I’m doing so much better, now.
The Pay-Off
So, short update for now–I will post more later! But..
A few things happened in the last few weeks that were major changes.
Today I looked in the mirror and noticed how much my workouts have been paying off, and I can feel the physical differences too. It’s pretty amazing. I look more boyish every day! Now I just need T so I can look like a man. LOL
I think I found the perfect hour to go running, and I am feeling incredibly motivated and positive right now.
I will maybe give some details of things later, but for now I wanted to say the above and also that I am doing a lot of prayer and deep reflecting these days, and at times like this I start to see how well it is all going.
So for those of you out there who are also chasing your dreams, never give up! Good things are coming your way. The Lord always provides, even when things look darkest–in fact, that is usually when the best is right around the corner!
Much love to all~
-Eli!! 😛
Can’t Run from what you Don’t Know.
So I realized a lot of this anxiety I’ve been having is largely triggered by something else. It’s not just my body dysphoria–that tends to cause anxiety yes, but it causes more depression I think than anything.
Honestly, every time the dysphoria would hit with the main symptom as anxiety, it would happen after something else happened–sometimes hours afterward.
Thinking of trying to alleviate this anxiety by just coming out with the truth, feels so panicking, like jumping off a cliff so I don’t have to feel so dizzy by standing on the edge and looking down. But I have to try. Every other time it’s blown up in my face, but this is not good for my health to keep this in. So I have to try.
Had to take some anxiety meds to calm down for this. Hopefully I will be able to talk this out soon, and I will have gained more positive from it than anything else.
Because I know the solution is not ‘keep it pent up until you just go out at night and start running so hard’; that felt like some kind of medicine for 2 nights but it won’t keep on working. My emotional immunity has increased to that point, and I know that I can’t run from something if I don’t even know how it will turn out. So I don’t want to run anymore–not ‘run away’, at least.
In the meantime, a very positive note: I spoke to my new neighbor today and came out as a gay transman being pre-op and everything, and it turns out that she and her boyfriend (they live together, just moved in next to me about a week ago) are not only Christians like me but have the same mindset, to be very accepting and open-minded and not treat others badly for being different. She was very sweet and listened to me talk, and accepted that I wanted to be called by male name and that I feel like a man/am one, will be having physical changes as soon as possible..
Such a tremendous blessing, to not be worried about having to flee my home for fear of assault by my neighbors if they see me walking about in men’s clothing or something.
Well, I had to post not just for sake of usual update, but also bc this anxiety med is making it hard to concentrate on the TV show I was watching in attempt to distract myself from source of anxiety.. I am now physically calmer, not hyperventilating, but it feels like my emotions are racing… not the mind, that’s sluggish too.
I have to stay awake to talk to him. I can’t go on for another day like this. It has to get better. I once waited 3 years to face this kind of thing with someone else, and once only a month but then persisted for 3 years, refusing to believe that I could not have what I want.
Have I been so defeated that truly wanting something again and thinking of trying for it sends me into some kind of hysterics? I have to be strong enough to face this *now* before I become unpredictable and damaging over my repressed feelings–that has a history of doing more harm than being denied what I want. Better to know now and deal with the aftermath, or just find some hope. What am I even writing? Yes, I will be honest enough when that talk happens–no fear of that, for I can’t even censor myself on here.
Oh, my. So many physical symptoms. I feel like I can’t go through this again… but I can’t be defeated so easily. I have to try. I’m finished with running and hiding, all of that.
Even if it costs me my life, I can’t be that kind of avoidant person.
To me, I think living that way would be no kind of life anyway.
-Eli
The Record of Perseverance Beginning
Haven’t posted for a few days. I will be more thorough soon.
For now: Stayed with my best friend and her girlfriend for 2 days and they helped me pick out some men’s clothing. I have.. the makings of a summer wardrobe now; clothes that when worn actually make me smile when I look in the mirror. Men’s hygienic products.
Have felt so inspired, in this brand new way.
The time away from the place that could be ‘visited’ at any hour she wants, well to leave that–my home, and go to a city further away… my mind was blessedly blank for 2 days and it did not feel like a loss of intellect, just some kind of much-needed peace.
I am thinking of what I can do for the future, to help others and leave behind a legacy. And I have felt more myself and understood that happiness is real, and not just some fantasy that some person who came before me dreamed up. I would like to write more on that subject soon. Happiness..
Letting go and cleansing the mind from anxiety, and keeping the heart open because fear cannot have any power unless allowed… has brought me to this new chapter in my life and I believe I am being led back to the novel for its continued revision, and perhaps expansion, and inevitable brutal editing.
Seems like true awareness with some stability, so minus the ‘crazy’, started with that immense and intimidating project–that blessing of so many words and all of the scary twists and turns in this mind of mine, for the characters who act out someone else’s life and bring meaning that comes through circles.
When dysphoria struck earlier, sudden and heavy as always, it was like I was so much more prepared. I had the right clothes ready, could adjust the packer and feel reassured, and I went running then; it was late, and dark, so no one was about. It was also cold, and I ran for longer than I would have before–ran with little caution, right into the darkness where I couldn’t even see if there was something to stumble over, down some road that was barely traveled.
These thoughts, ‘better to die as a man than to live this lie’, as it seemed a bicyclist loomed ahead, waiting. Tricks of the eyes that are tricks of the mind… a fear that wants to manifest.
A rabbit was a cat, was suddenly ‘the fiend’, and then nothing at all… vanishing… to once again be the rabbit that was just hopping away. Messed with my head.
One night when the muses were raging, perhaps a week ago… I walked into the hallway where my landlord has covered the walls in mirrors that are glued down, so that I have to see myself everywhere, all the time. And thinking of how identities and lies and faces correspond, I could bring my hand to pass over my face and watch as I believed so strongly, that indeed it did disappear. I could see that–the space where my eyes should have been.
No, it wasn’t madness, not any of it. Just stress and the freeing, symbolic act of unburdening myself from all of these lies.
It doesn’t have to make sense, it is just the basics of functioning that turns to living.
I can live and dream and write, and each day I grow stronger and wiser and learn to identify the challenges and enemies.
I will overcome, and I already am.
Miles to go before my body is right, and too many to count–I wouldn’t want to–before the end of this life.
Blessings pour in that I could not have imagined, and I don’t think my heart has ever been so open.
Gender-related Body Dysphoria is something I can learn the triggers for, and maybe even make a certain amount of peace with.
And future Eli has heard the message from the Eli of now.
The time for sleeping can not replace the time for growth.
It all starts with a need–and this need for change will no longer be denied.
Abstract, I call it, with the set of Poet’s mind.
Leaving off to make something great tomorrow. The world turns and is held in God’s merciful hands. Thank you, thank you. I am well, and getting better all the time.
-Eli, sleeping… for now.
What Does Body Dysphoria Feel Like?
This sounds so much like what I went through, only–sad to say–not even as extreme. For me it was like this multiplied several times over… being able to think and act–to a certain point–like anyone, whoever I though I was being ‘ordered’ to be, and even believing each time that what I expressing was my true personality. Also, the faith side of it.. I still struggle with understanding how God made me, why it’s like this, etc.
Even the selective mutism happened for me, for a while when I felt completely unheard and unseen. It was almost eerie how much I identified with this.
The response immediately below is the one I identified with in answer to the question asked on the blog americantransman.com:
”
What Does Body Dysphoria Feel Like?
A Changing Persona and Voice
Anonymous
Age: 19 years old
Identifies as: Male
So when I was eighth grade-high school, I went through the typical identity crisis as most people do. I also had a special talent that I will simply call “shape-shifting,” meaning I could instantly adapt myself to fit any situation, as well as mimic other people’s thought processes or aspects of their personality. It was kind of all pick and chose, a very postmodern way of identity you could say. I was very conscious that I would be a different person around different people. And I was okay with that. I generally loathed the hypocrisy of it all, but if people saw me as something, I would be that.
But then I started to become unhappy about it. I started seeking up biological and religious reasons/support. The logical conclusion was that I had no gender at all. Somehow I ended up deciding I was Neutrois (not particularly anything at all and you seek to remove all gender defining characteristics). But that became an even greater source of anguish. I wanted to belong somewhere, and female was not an option because I failed to understand them and never saw myself as one anyway.
Lots of prayer involved here as I then started to look at myself and piece together fragments. It was the last thing that I ever expected honestly when I realized I was actually a guy. Though everything, I somehow ended up being “raised as one” (my family would disagree). Religiously, there was a sense of relief – like I did not have to beg God to forgive me for existing. I fit the role – yes, all guys are different – but I fit it. I look like a guy, been mistaken for one even before all this, and probably more feminine than most – but hey, there are guys out there like that as well.
I do not really know if there was anything physical. There is one that is largely debatable. My “natural” voice dropped by about an octave. I had already a pretty diverse range as I did voice impressions and the like, but never this low. And the dropping of it may have been subconscious or just practice from constant use. Or it could be because I gotten very sick/had an acid reflux attack that ate away at my vocal cords, which is what I attribute it to. Of course, my family had a few choice words, including one that said that my voice was demonic. Something snapped, and I just became incapable of physically talking to them (selective mutism, which is a type of social anxiety I have a mild version of for other things, but never anything this serious). Communicated with notes for almost a month before I moved back to college.
”
Issues Identified is progress made.
Life was good today.
I accomplished more physically than I have for a long time. Got started on some running that I will be sure to continue at least every other day. I think I can burn off enough fat that the top surgery will go better when it’s time. I also realized that all my life I’ve been holding back physically because I was afraid to enjoy too much what I knew the world wouldn’t let me have.
It was never the pain that slowed me down, or the fear of failure. I identified my issue a long while back and just couldn’t understand why I had it.
“The fear of success.” I told the last person who was likely to understand my reasons for it. My mother.. it’s always her.
I was so close to finishing my first novel then (It has since been finished, and it took much prayer for me to get there) and I suddenly couldn’t write anymore.. ‘Writer’s Block’ didn’t begin to describe it. It was something emotional.
I wracked my brain for the answer why and the only one I could find was this feeling that maybe I didn’t deserve success? But I could reason with myself pretty well why that was foolish.
Foolish or not, it’s been the truth all along. (that I had felt I didn’t deserve success)
And I’m starting to be able to remember when all this happened and sure enough, like with most trans people, the worst of it hit when puberty struck. That’s when I started to understand expectations, limitations, all of that.
I started to feel my strength and understand that I wasn’t supposed to have the kind of strength that I have.
So I stopped trying so hard in gym, and when it was discovered that I had a gift in a particular sport I refused to join the team, and I decided that ‘good for a girl’ was my mediocrity. Or is that the other way around?
And the harder I tried to do more feminine things the more painfully awkward and laughable it was.
Well, I bought some men’s clothes yesterday–finally. And I ran today and enjoyed pushing through the pain, and I realized that despite all of life’s uncertainties I am happier than I’ve ever been.
I am finally praying what feel like honest prayers. The constant voice of doubt that was attached to every thought in my head is gone.
So I plan to keep on with what I’m doing, and just work harder every day.
There is this constant bit of turmoil–my mother. She shows up or just texts me these days, and I can somehow feel her desperation and her fear, and that feeling of obligation toward her that is/was? within me is not as strong as it used to be.
I still haven’t found the courage to let it be obvious that I am packing or wearing men’s clothes around her–I’m covering that up as much as I can.
She looks at me like she sees something is different but doesn’t know what it is, but I know she’s not stupid and that she’s attributing it to what I tried to discuss with her.
I still depend on her largely for transportation and a number of other things.
But as soon as I can get this crap worked out, I am moving cities. Being at least 2 hours away will make it harder for her to visit me. I need to study and get my driver’s license and that car my parents have been talking about helping me to get. Anxiety over *her* is what is keeping me from accomplishing that faster, I know.
The pressure, as always, is on from her. “Do you think you can take the test yet?”
Well, if you, Mother dear, would stop talking to me, I might be able to at least breathe.
I love my mother. I do. But… I’m not so sure I can live my life well if she is in it very much. Distance… moving. I need to get away.
ASAP.
-Eli saying bye 🙂
Love Who You Are.
Well, Brave Lion set me straight today with tough love and I am glad for it.
(‘straight’, lol. I am still gay… with an inclination toward bad jokes, ha ha ha)
I was able to pray and humble myself properly, watched a good sermon and got my thinking headed in the right direction, and I am going to cut out all of the toxic negativity that I have allowed other people to put into my thought-life (which eventually seeps into every area of life).
Progress is called what it is because you have to work for it. It doesn’t happen without you making up your mind to make the effort and give it your all.
So to everything that has been telling me, “That’s not right. You’re not good enough.” and oh my gosh, this one– “Apologize some more, for everything you do!” No more of that.
So interesting how after my life was made so much better I still managed to go so far backward. Why, I imagined myself forever working toward my family’s acceptance and begging their forgiveness just for being me.
That is NOT how it is going to go down.
Yeah, I’m a sinner. But so is everyone else. And I won’t let anyone bring me down–God wants me to go UP! (and not in flames, lol)
That is my declaration for today… That this man is getting up and will not be kept down!
-Eli, with love. Love yourself! 🙂
Before her eyes.
There was an incident, a couple of nights back, where my mother’s words in my brain became manifest in form of lies that did horrible things.
Always there was outwardly this smile, and inside a kind of tragedy.
I tried to find my way by her light, but with the passing of years it has grown so dim; and I discovered at God’s leading my own light within.
Telling the truth but being apologetic–yes, that is the lesson. Boldness is important. Because you cannot bow to someone as you are first asserting that you are finished with bowing. It is contradiction and achieves nothing.
By lies we were led into the cycle that became death.
Since knowing the truth and trying once again to bury it, it crept out and loomed over me seeking some kind of vengeance. But I was led again to another light, and began to understand that sometimes you must simply act.
Actions alone, and not so many words. Because she will not listen, she must see.
So today I rested a lot… new neighbors fight and make it hard to concentrate.
But I have had something promised to me and I am about to take it.
Meanwhile, creepy spiders can creep back to where they came from. I am finished with letting others into my territory. The answer is NO.
-Eli. 🙂
I won’t give up! :)
Wow, I just checked my email and apparently I have people following my blog? I had no idea. That is so cool!
Well, it is fun to know that someone out there seems interested in my life story. XD
I just got back from the playground to try and ‘find my old childhood self’ maybe, and I thought while I was there “Yeah, I definitely always felt like a boy.” LOL
I am tired now but in a good way, like after working out and accomplishing a lot.
I can’t believe I was in such despair just last night, thinking it was hopeless that my mother would ever love me when I will seem like such a freak to her. I have talked with a couple of friends since, and they have told me that my family will probably come around when they see how happy I am finally being myself. My family does love me–they’re just old-fashioned.
Either way… the world will have to get used to me! Or kill me. Whichever one happens, because… I’m not killing myself. Nope! 🙂
I am so happy, and I wish that I could help everyone else to feel this way right now and believe that it really does get better.
If you’re sad, do this: Go walk outside, and look at the trees, and then up at the sky! Everything is formed unique, and even if the air you breathe is choking you from its smog just think… even smoke can look beautiful when it is floating up like some mysterious black trail of genie essence from an isolated factory in the countryside.
Everything is beautiful, and I have always thought that every other person is beautiful as well. Why should I be the one exception to that rule? I’m not. I too deserve to live and be happy and free; I don’t want to take that away from anyone else, and I won’t let them take it from me.
“Never give up; never surrender.” I saw that movie once.. Where is it from? Oh, yeah. ‘Lost in Space’. lol. I think I might have new appreciation for that movie now.
Well, I agree with that sentiment wholeheartedly and I am going to be brave and strong, and not give up, even when things are hard.
And all of you out there–don’t you surrender either! Together, we make the world. 🙂
-Eli, flying high. Still believing in the dream..
Yes, I love my name. LOL
I feel like Superman right now!
Despite what happened earlier, it is as if I am a whole new person, all in the same day. I am a man who looks like a woman but knows that could change at any time, but it doesn’t have to.
I prayed. I think there were some other people praying for me–in fact I could feel that there were.
I think mainly what has happened is that the dysphoria is gone; if I ever experience it again it won’t be as extreme.
My brain will still be healing from surgery for about another year, and I just feel so much better thinking about that and knowing that I don’t have to rush anything and I don’t have to lose anybody precious to me. I really can have it all.
Something else made me really happy, and in the end I still have everyone’s support– no one thinks less of me because I had an experience of confusion, a couple of them (mainly my dear friend Brave Lion) have reminded me that nothing is black and white, and that I just am who I am, and I don’t have to define that by anyone’s labels.
Eli! They can call me what they want… but I am still me. 😀 Feels like the greatest victory yet. 🙂
-Eli!!
themanbehindher3li 