This sounds so much like what I went through, only–sad to say–not even as extreme. For me it was like this multiplied several times over… being able to think and act–to a certain point–like anyone, whoever I though I was being ‘ordered’ to be, and even believing each time that what I expressing was my true personality. Also, the faith side of it.. I still struggle with understanding how God made me, why it’s like this, etc.
Even the selective mutism happened for me, for a while when I felt completely unheard and unseen. It was almost eerie how much I identified with this.
The response immediately below is the one I identified with in answer to the question asked on the blog americantransman.com:
A Changing Persona and Voice
Age: 19 years old
Identifies as: Male
So when I was eighth grade-high school, I went through the typical identity crisis as most people do. I also had a special talent that I will simply call “shape-shifting,” meaning I could instantly adapt myself to fit any situation, as well as mimic other people’s thought processes or aspects of their personality. It was kind of all pick and chose, a very postmodern way of identity you could say. I was very conscious that I would be a different person around different people. And I was okay with that. I generally loathed the hypocrisy of it all, but if people saw me as something, I would be that.
But then I started to become unhappy about it. I started seeking up biological and religious reasons/support. The logical conclusion was that I had no gender at all. Somehow I ended up deciding I was Neutrois (not particularly anything at all and you seek to remove all gender defining characteristics). But that became an even greater source of anguish. I wanted to belong somewhere, and female was not an option because I failed to understand them and never saw myself as one anyway.
Lots of prayer involved here as I then started to look at myself and piece together fragments. It was the last thing that I ever expected honestly when I realized I was actually a guy. Though everything, I somehow ended up being “raised as one” (my family would disagree). Religiously, there was a sense of relief – like I did not have to beg God to forgive me for existing. I fit the role – yes, all guys are different – but I fit it. I look like a guy, been mistaken for one even before all this, and probably more feminine than most – but hey, there are guys out there like that as well.
I do not really know if there was anything physical. There is one that is largely debatable. My “natural” voice dropped by about an octave. I had already a pretty diverse range as I did voice impressions and the like, but never this low. And the dropping of it may have been subconscious or just practice from constant use. Or it could be because I gotten very sick/had an acid reflux attack that ate away at my vocal cords, which is what I attribute it to. Of course, my family had a few choice words, including one that said that my voice was demonic. Something snapped, and I just became incapable of physically talking to them (selective mutism, which is a type of social anxiety I have a mild version of for other things, but never anything this serious). Communicated with notes for almost a month before I moved back to college.
The incongruity between what the brain expects the body to be versus how the body is actually configured.
For trans people, this can (but doesn’t always) include varying degrees, permutations and combinations of feelings and discomfort around the unwanted presence of breasts and the desire for a penis, testicles and a masculine, virilized body by many trans men, or the unwanted presence of a penis and testicles and desire for breasts and a less virilized, more feminine body by many trans women.
In the trans community, we hear about the results of extreme cases of body dysphoria, such as when struggling young trans men cut their breasts or desperate trans women amputate their own male genitals.
In our community, we refer to it, we discuss its ramifications, some of us undergo surgeries and make medical changes to our bodies to get relief from it it, but often, we…
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