Haven’t posted for a few days. I will be more thorough soon.
For now: Stayed with my best friend and her girlfriend for 2 days and they helped me pick out some men’s clothing. I have.. the makings of a summer wardrobe now; clothes that when worn actually make me smile when I look in the mirror. Men’s hygienic products.
Have felt so inspired, in this brand new way.
The time away from the place that could be ‘visited’ at any hour she wants, well to leave that–my home, and go to a city further away… my mind was blessedly blank for 2 days and it did not feel like a loss of intellect, just some kind of much-needed peace.
I am thinking of what I can do for the future, to help others and leave behind a legacy. And I have felt more myself and understood that happiness is real, and not just some fantasy that some person who came before me dreamed up. I would like to write more on that subject soon. Happiness..
Letting go and cleansing the mind from anxiety, and keeping the heart open because fear cannot have any power unless allowed… has brought me to this new chapter in my life and I believe I am being led back to the novel for its continued revision, and perhaps expansion, and inevitable brutal editing.
Seems like true awareness with some stability, so minus the ‘crazy’, started with that immense and intimidating project–that blessing of so many words and all of the scary twists and turns in this mind of mine, for the characters who act out someone else’s life and bring meaning that comes through circles.
When dysphoria struck earlier, sudden and heavy as always, it was like I was so much more prepared. I had the right clothes ready, could adjust the packer and feel reassured, and I went running then; it was late, and dark, so no one was about. It was also cold, and I ran for longer than I would have before–ran with little caution, right into the darkness where I couldn’t even see if there was something to stumble over, down some road that was barely traveled.
These thoughts, ‘better to die as a man than to live this lie’, as it seemed a bicyclist loomed ahead, waiting. Tricks of the eyes that are tricks of the mind… a fear that wants to manifest.
A rabbit was a cat, was suddenly ‘the fiend’, and then nothing at all… vanishing… to once again be the rabbit that was just hopping away. Messed with my head.
One night when the muses were raging, perhaps a week ago… I walked into the hallway where my landlord has covered the walls in mirrors that are glued down, so that I have to see myself everywhere, all the time. And thinking of how identities and lies and faces correspond, I could bring my hand to pass over my face and watch as I believed so strongly, that indeed it did disappear. I could see that–the space where my eyes should have been.
No, it wasn’t madness, not any of it. Just stress and the freeing, symbolic act of unburdening myself from all of these lies.
It doesn’t have to make sense, it is just the basics of functioning that turns to living.
I can live and dream and write, and each day I grow stronger and wiser and learn to identify the challenges and enemies.
I will overcome, and I already am.
Miles to go before my body is right, and too many to count–I wouldn’t want to–before the end of this life.
Blessings pour in that I could not have imagined, and I don’t think my heart has ever been so open.
Gender-related Body Dysphoria is something I can learn the triggers for, and maybe even make a certain amount of peace with.
And future Eli has heard the message from the Eli of now.
The time for sleeping can not replace the time for growth.
It all starts with a need–and this need for change will no longer be denied.
Abstract, I call it, with the set of Poet’s mind.
Leaving off to make something great tomorrow. The world turns and is held in God’s merciful hands. Thank you, thank you. I am well, and getting better all the time.
-Eli, sleeping… for now.